Second Marriages and Blueberry Pancakes

I take advantage of the quiet Sunday mornings- when the kids are either with the other parent or at a friend’s house. The opportunity to drink hot coffee without using the microwave! It’s July so, that means fresh blueberry pancakes. Sit down for breakfast with my hubs- phone scrolling without guilt and relaxing into our new work week. I believe it was Johnny Cash when asked his definition of paradise, his response was simple, “This morning, with her, having coffee”. Of course, he’s referring to his long-time wife, June Carter who devoted her life to healing him and building a family where there once was only hurt, trauma, and broken glass. So, while eating my blueberry pancakes in paradise, let us dive into the logic of the “second marriage”.

I was a young bride, married at 20 to whom I thought was my soul mate, my best friend. We

Fresh berries for Sunday morning pancakes

had some things in common however, the determining factor in our civil divorce 10 years later wasn’t money issues, trust, or abuse…it was that I grew to realize I was mirroring his likes, habits, and interests and leaving my true self behind. Why? Being so young, I thought that was marriage! Molding yourself to your spouse to become one unit.

Not until I met my current husband did I understand the definition of partnership. My journey to redemption lasted 15 years, 2 kids, 1 move, 3 jobs, 1 college degree, and a lot of drinking in between. The projective walls I had in place were strong and high! Sometimes these walls would prevent organic relationship growth or fun and new opportunities with my new partner and other times, a soft hand kiss, hug, or sweet love song sent to me would send a cannonball right through the weak spots and blow chunks of rock in the air.

Operating as two separate human beings with different opinions, interests, and habits is what makes a marriage fun but having that support ready for the bad days or life events is what makes a marriage worth it! Over the course of my life, it has become very clear how spouses should treat each other. With Respect, honesty, compassion, patience, and passion. These values are the same values I wish my children and stepchildren to physically see so that they will be protected from a possible failed first marriage. Of course, I’m aware of the string of bad choices my kiddos will make and the late-night cry sessions my two daughters will keep me up with on the phone- or the day some silly girl breaks my boy's heart. This I expect.

All this is great advice you’re probably thinking, “For those not struggling with HCBM, custody drama, 4 different summer schedules…”

Well, guess what, I do face those very same issues in my daily life as many stepmoms do. That’s the fun part, my husband and I have been put through the wringer- and we still take the time and effort to make us, the main focus.

Date Night- Genesee River view, Rochester, NY

We prioritized each other. We spent a good amount of our time discussing what the future would look like, and we both agreed that not making the same fatal mistakes from our failed marriages was something we would have to put daily effort into. The biggest task of course was how to manage the blended kids? Any couple can tell you attempting to keep a spicy love life when rising 4 kids is nearly impossible and can result in serious role modeling for the kiddos! All kidding aside, keeping our marriage relevant was more than just a check box to fill, it was an endless effort of boundaries, relationship rules, and healthy conflict resolution skills. These action items were discussed and agreed upon prior to us saying, “I do” and man, did this save us so much time in divergences. Having those concepts in place before the wedding rings is something I will often advise my closest girlfriends on. You need to be on the same page about almost everything when blended into a family, some issues can be dealt with by that solo parent but how you bring it full cycle within your home is what matters the most.

Here are a few of our most used “rules”

1. Never undermine the other parent in front of the children, family, or guests. If I have any issue with a disagreeable moment with my hubs, I save my verbal frustration until we are in private.

2. Keep separate bank accounts and any purchase over $500 needs to be discussed together.

3. We’re both allowed to direct any child to complete a task, homework, chore, etc…

4. Starting at 8 pm- kid-free time starts. Yes, even on the weekends. As the kids grow older we say our goodnights prior to this time and expect them to be quiet, relaxed, and get to sleep at a reasonable hour. (Hubs still checks for stink bugs and tucks in the youngest)

5. Between 8 pm-9 pm we are both showered and in bed watching TV- WITH OUR DOOR SHUT.

6. And of course, whenever possible, we sit and drink our morning coffee together.

These are just some of the healthy ways to draw safe boundaries in a blended family while maintaining a strong marriage. Daily spousal connection is pivotal in accomplishing that long-lasting marriage we all dream about having.

Coming up in Love and Marriage: Our Kid-Free Weekend Play List