Disconnect from Your Blended Family

Taking the time to unwind and calm your thoughts can offer sufficient benefits as a stepmother. Removing yourself from the hustle and bustle of “blending” not only helps your mental health, but your marriage too. My husband and I celebrated our 2nd wedding anniversary this past weekend. Although our relationship is older than what’s reflected on paper, I find it imperative to celebrate every small win. A boost in morale, I call it. Hubs get a promotion at work? Celebrate. 6 months since you quit smoking, celebrate. 1 week without a text or call from a toxic bio-mom, celebrate! These milestones may seem foolish to the outside world or traditional family settings, but trust me when I say,

“There’s no such thing as acknowledging joy and happiness too often”

Our anniversary weekend was spent in Tupper Lake, NY. I Airbnb a cute cabin on Little Wolf Pond where he could fish and I could get some peace and quiet (minus the neighbors who were using a leaf blower for an hour) The mountains have always pulled at my heartstrings; the fresh air, the wildlife, the crystal clear lakes, rivers, and ponds, provide a gentle reminder that nature will always be there to support me.

Little Wolf Pond, Tupper Lake, NY

Leading up to this fun getaway, was a work week from hell, for both of us. A follow-up doctor’s appointment for my stepchildren for a positive ADHD diagnosis (yes, both of them), and managing my teen daughter's desire to stay home alone. What most people don’t seem to understand or witness in these situations, is the amount of planning it takes just to have 2 nights to yourself. A blended family is more than a quick snapshot of different schedules and rules. It’s a daily test. It tests my faith in people, in schools, and most of all, my personal values and belief system. How do you put aside the lives of 4 children and go off to enjoy time as a married couple? Many don’t, and it shows. Hence the divorce rate for second marriages is above 60%.

When planning these short vacations, I don’t shelf family issues. I don’t forget the unresolved problems facing me upon my return, instead, I purposely leave the environment, AKA, our home. Now I know, a lot of folks take “staycations” and hey, if that works for you then bravo! However, hear me out. Today I woke up, at my leisure, and for the first time in more than a year, I was able to fix a cup of coffee before feeding our two dogs. That simple act brought me so much joy. Just the fact that I put myself first for 1 minute gave me the warm and fuzzes. Then I turn my attention to breakfast. What was missing…hmmm, maybe the 9-year-old calling for dad every 3 minutes, or the fact my husband was able to make a breakfast sandwich and eat it before making one for someone else, or my favorite, we watched cartoons while eating without judgment! No special food orders, no spilled milk, no dogs lying at my feet, just a simple breakfast with the man I love. These simple acts of being adults, being husband and wife for 36 hours will fill our emotional tank for the remainder of the year.

Notwithstanding the everyday issues that sneak into place on my wall of love, like the hubs checking his email just to find a frustrating work-related policy change, or the doctor following up on the kids from last week, these things are almost unavoidable and you need to leave some space for it. Gently reminders of reconnections and off-topic issues usually fix this short period of reality. I’m no stranger to drama, I’m a social media content creator by trade, so I find myself scrolling like a mad woman and need to bring myself back to the moment.

Simple tricks on how to keep the drama out include

• not texting the kids (AT ALL),

• not bringing any work-related materials with you,

• avoiding discussions that can be dealt with on Monday,

• not handling family business; sign-ups, teacher emails, playdates, schedules, etc. I don’t how many times I’ve ruined a romantic dinner because I decided that was the perfect time to talk about the kid's behavioral issues.

When stepping away from step-parenting, really attempting to step away. Focus on yourself and your partner. This takes intentional practice sometimes.

Don’t feel silly. When you purposely act out healthy relationship behavior, you’re growing as a person. You’re healing past trauma and becoming a well-rounded parent for your children. If there's one advantage to any blended family, it's this, having time when the kids are with the other parent. This time should be used more productively. I see so many stepmoms, accounts, or families that refuse to take this time as a blessing. They either spend this time cleaning or organizing their kid’s rooms- that’s a hard no for me.

Placing your marriage first doesn’t mean placing your children last. I refuse to live in a world of absolutes

especially as it relates to my family! Leaving the dishes, the dogs, the laundry, and the kids with sitters (or with the other parent) is the perk of having a blended family. As a stepmother you’re owned- take it!