The Ultimate Step-Mom Disengaging Guide
- Summer Johnson
- Jul 28, 2023
- 6 min read
Updated: Aug 11, 2023
Here's everything you need to know and what to expect if you're thinking about disengaging from your stepmom role.
"Walk a mile in my shoes" should be the stepmother's motto. Every woman may have different experiences while being a stepmom, but one thing remains the same, our struggle to find acceptance within a new family and how to display our love. Whether this comes in the form of blended family bliss or successfully disengaging, neither of these should be judged and my path lead me to the disengaged path- which is perfectly acceptable and should be celebrated with the same online presence as any other family milestone.
Successfully disengaging while maintaining a loving marriage and peaceful home is something to be celebrated! If I had a choice between a long-lasting 30,40,50 year long marriage or my stepchildren "liking" me for a few years, I'll pick the latter every time! Here is my guideline on how to manage those emotions, inner conflicts, and family structures.
What is "Disengagement" in Regards to Being a Stepmom?
There are two forms of disengagement, 1. physically removing yourself from the "group" or "step kids" involvement in daily activities and or parenting, and 2. emotionally removing yourself from certain situations.
I never planned on being a "removed" stepmom, matter of fact, my dream was to have a large blended family with healthy stable relationships and deep connections. Although my stepmom's journey started with positive interactions and core memory creation; just a short year or two later, it all came crashing down. After nearly two years in therapy, and two family court trials- my active stepmom life would change forever after realizing my stepkids didn't desire the connection or involvement from me after all. It was the late fall of 2022 when I told my husband that I no longer wished to keep struggling through failed attempts of positive parenting or the endless emotional rollercoasters that consumed my life; even when the kids weren't with us. I had taken on too much both physically and emotionally without a plan to balance my new family. I was hyper-fixed on the fantasy I had built in my mind losing ground on reality, the assumption of caregiving is placed way too heavily on women today. I was angry all the time, short-tempered, short-fused and my relationship with my biological children was suffering.
Stepmoms unintentionally take on too much!
I made a plan. I was going to "step back" from placing my myself at the center of every family interaction. My stepkids wanted more time with their father (without me) and I lacked any real personal hobbies or interests, so this should work out...
If you're a type A personality like me, disengaging can be a nightmare. I still butt in from time to time when it relates to the overall household operation but, my days are spent not engaging with the stepkids- even if they're sitting right in front of me. I no longer nag for them to eat their dinner, I handed over the cooking duties to their father, I don't clip toenails or do bedtime tuck in's, I don't share my opinion when they ask their father for something unobtainable, and mostly, I rarely go with them for pick up's and drop off's.
How to disengage without losing control
Being a disengaged stepmom takes practice. Months of self-evaluation and soul searching are needed, knowing your limits and sacrifice.
There are some well-known methods to start you off, the Nacho Kids method is a popular way to start your journey as a stepmom is name only...
The most challenging part of our blending was how to deal or not deal with each other’s kids. While expressing our disappointment and resentment with trying to co-parent the step kids the counselor looked at me and said, “They are not your kids”. This was not shocking news, of course.
- Nacho Kids
What seems to be a simple solution to complex family dynamic structuring is easy. First, you must grieve the loss of the family you thought you were getting when you and your spouse joined together. This process can last anywhere from a short couple of weeks or like in my case, 7 months. It stings a bit when I hear myself say, "Not my kids" but I promise it does get easier with time and understanding from the family. Secondly, it's important to turn your focus to any biological children you may have, this is a great chance to draw deeper connections with them as well as practice some of your own parenting methods.
In a recent family vacation to Cocoa Beach, I started noticing a natural progression in my disengagement. The kids were weight evenly with each parent, my kids were always to one side of me and my husband's kids were on his side. On the flight, in pictures, on the beach. This reinsured me that what I was doing is working!
I was able to focus my attention onto my children and their needs without overstimulating myself. My hubs and me also spend our own separate money on our own children. We do not believe in one for all and all-for-one when it comes to spending. If I buy something for my kids and my stepkids have a meltdown- well...guess what? NACHO KID! That's Daddy's cue to pull out some of his parenting tricks to lessen the conflict. Now, know this, I don't purposely go out to cause conflict in this matter- but a lot of times there will be a difference in spending habits, and that's ok too.
Thirdly, having that tough conversation with your partner may require some adjustments in what you thought was the original blended family plan. That's ok! we're human, adjusting and changing to adapt to our environment is how we operate. As stated in my post, "Second Marriages and Blueberry Pancakes" these are critical discussions to be having with your partner. above all else, there must be a clear path forward in your blended family, no matter what that looks like, it must be discussed and agreed upon prior to implementation.
Lastly, start slow. truly focus on some of the key areas of stress when the family is all together, maybe it's the dinner time meltdowns? could it be rules over screen time? how about family time vs. alone time? wherever the stressors live, you have to find a way to remove yourself as the main source of conflict resolution. It took me months to pinpoint all the little areas of my life where stepping back would be helpful. I started by letting Dad take over the kid's dinner night visits, he cooked the meal to limit the, "I'm not eating this because Summer made it" mental fight. Then I stopped helping with their homework- Dad zone here. I also spend a lot of my time out in my garden, reading, and writing so, when needed, I will retire to my bedroom for some much-needed peace and quiet while the kids run wild. I'm finding myself with less stress and I'm complaining less too.
How to Cope with Guilt
But how do you move through life without being fully engaged with every aspect of your home life? Children take up so much of our time and resources- we never seem to have enough to go around, yet we stepmoms unintentionally place ourselves in the center of these mini universes and then wonder why we get burnt out or emotionally drained. We're all aware of the amount of work that goes into living within a blended family, it's a daily balance of different personalities, schedules, ages, and passions. Disengaging doesn't remove that from your life rather, demands the other parent step up to take on their share of child-rearing responsibility for THEIR CHILD(REN).
Placing yourself first only will strengthen your family in the long haul. ensuring you are there for the big events, life changes, and more, without attending therapy over taking an iPad away from your stepchild. Apply simple relationship rules like personal boundaries isn't "mean" or "cold", it's normal adult behavior. Disengaging from being the main parent will take practice and many nights of doubting yourself. Don't view this as you moving on or leaving your family; allowing the biological parent the space to grow as a parent can only be beneficial to the whole family.
Stick with a plan, pace yourself, and communicate openly with your partner. It's not advisable to act on disengagement without first talking with your partner, don't leave them in the rain wondering what's wrong!
Let's chat about different methods of disengagement and if it's a good fit for you and your family. Leave a comment below for more feedback and a chance to have your comment highlighted on my Instagram page, @Stompedstepmom
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