Dating as a Single Mom can be Fun- or at Least Educational

How the fu*k did you get here? How did searching for matching tee-shirts and water bottles turn into endless Google searches on "stepmother tips", "How to be a good stepmom" or "How to love my stepkids"? If you're like me, you have been living in a utopian bliss of second chances and love bombing that was just strong enough to weather the current storm of stepmotherhood. I already have two kids, what's two more? I have the experience of being a mom for years leading up to taking on younger kids again- this should be easy. I had built a reality in my head that met a perfect blend of two families in harmony and grace. I had envisioned only the best qualities, like picking the freshest strawberries for our blended family smoothie! Only the best would make it in the blender! I have been so caught up in the romance and excitement of my new life that I had failed to see the horrible path my own self was leading me down. I didn’t stand a chance against the love I encountered back in 2017, this love was all consuming and powering- like waves in an angry sea, and I was without a life jacket.

It was too foreign of a concept to think, this type of meaningful love could exist after a divorce, who was I to deserve such a gift? I wasn't worthy, that's for sure. Dating post-divorce in your 30s...yeah that’s tough. Dating post-divorce in your 30's with two kids? Impossible!! I had been seeing this other guy for a few months at this point, single dude, carefree, fun, and had no attachments. It wasn't until I asked him to move in with me that he refused when I took stock of my situation. I was mad! I'm a catch! I'm an amazing woman and good-looking too on top of that, I'm a great mom. Why wouldn't any man want this? Well, looking back, I can see the red flag I put up that would make a lot of guys run for the hills. 1. I had a strict no hanging out alone with my children rule, 2. No late-night booty calls (you had to stop by at a reasonable time), 3. No yelling at my kids, 4. Pull your weight around the house (cleaning, laundry, trash, and yard). I was setting marriage rules for single guys just looking for fun nights. No harm in that, when both parties are in agreement. So after 8 months of trying to convince this guy how cool marriage life is with kids, we broke up with no ill will towards each other.

I never actually “dated” before. I was married at 20 after knowing my ex-husband for a year, dropped out of high school at 16, and was always the girl hanging out but not really tied down to anyone. Dating was this thing old people did. I figured why date at all if I’m a single mom, aren’t guys like really into that vibe, how hard can this be? Enter Tinder. Yeah, Tinder is the hook-up app for single people. Well, when I signed up I had no idea it was for “hooking” up and it took me about 24 hours and five Sugar Daddy requests to head into my settings and start narrowing down the sea of douchebaggery. I found myself absorbed in the flashy profile pictures and would get upset if they didn’t have a whole album of photos of themselves. For the first time in my adult life, I felt free. Here I was choosing men based on these tiny cell phone-sized pictures and judging them on their 120-character count bios. A mix of empowerment and pity rolled into late nights of stress-free “socializing”. I can honestly say, Tinder was a girl’s best friend- if that friend was 10 years younger, prettier, and had millions of friends.

The reassuring part of all this was that while I was swiping away blissfully in my bed, my children were none the wiser for it. No babysitters at this point, no weird discussions on why mommy is going out on a Thursday night and more so, no strange men even knowing what my kids looked like. As a single mom, I don’t pretend to be blind to the dangers of dating with children. The disproportionate harm that is inflicted on children of single-mother households and the worry of any future harm. Meeting nice guys and enjoying yourself as a woman is not the same when you have children at home. The extra level of care that applies itself is noticeable and a lot of times comes off as “distance” or “cold” to potential partners, making dating that much more enjoyable! But I’m here to tell ya, if that temperate is ever used against you by a dude, he’s not the one!

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So, Tinder. I was on Tinder for 6 days. As I said earlier, a lot of Sugar Daddy requests, which looking back like these guys didn’t look old enough to offer that type of security to me, I mean come on- Sugar Daddy? Really? I like dirt car racing and football, how the hell y’all going to please me? Buy me a sports team? At the end of the day, it wasn’t the short shots or pretty pictures, it was the guy who messaged me on a Sunday morning asking me how I slept.