Top 5 Things to Do TODAY to Change the Home vibe-for the Better

After a couple of years of family therapy, one could say I’ve learned a few tricks and tips to push through even the dark periods in my life. I like therapy. I believe it’s beneficial to explore yourself in a constructive matter while maintaining some level of joy, and therapy tends to accomplish that. But, on the same hand, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life hyper-focused on therapy methods and solely relying on that environment for my inner peace. It’s a thin line of dependency that I warn, must be acknowledged. The whole point of therapy or “coaching” is to gain tools and skills to apply later on down the road, with or without a person following you around and validating you for it.

I’ve been a stepmom for over six years, under two years officially, if you’re counting the way my husband’s ex counts. Outside of that, I’ve been a mother since the summer of 2003, when I welcomed my firstborn at the ripe old age of 19. The learning curve of being a teenage mother wasn’t as significant as your local high school would have you believing (I do not endorse teen pregnancy) However, it wasn’t until that second child came bursting into my life that the tangible fun of navigating a household became a reality no one had prepared me for. At 25, I had two options, 1. Soak in as much information about parenting and mothering as I could find, or 2. Follow my gut, listen to other mothers, take the good with the bad, and just enjoy my babies. I choose the latter and although every fiber of my heart was telling me to practice that same method from years prior when parenting my stepkids, the hard truth was this; I don’t have the energy nor the time to fill the level of inequities in those children’s lives while maintaining my parenting style and thanks to therapy, I acknowledge that it’s ok for me not too.

Acceptance is at play, every day in my home. As a mother, have you noticed your home’s vibe? How does it feel when you walk in from a long day? And oh how quickly this vibe can change from cinnamon bun-smelling sweetness to Freddy’s nightmare after a long afternoon of stepchildren beating down your defenses over the fact you won’t let them drink PRIME all day long. “Crap”, you think. Now the day is ruined. Dinner’s ruined, I’m upset, the kids are hiding in their room and you’re back to day one awkward method acting. Before you throw in the towel, reset, refocus, and try these 5 things to bring the positive vibe back into your home, TONIGHT!

1. As stepmoms/moms, we’ve heard this one before; Step back.

Not stepping so far back you find yourself sitting at a bar listening to dusty Density’s Childs songs, but stepping back to a place where you can see clearer. Stepping back doesn’t mean hiding either. I like to “step back” in my kitchen (the heart of the house), there I can think through some possible triggers and how to process them right here and there! Maybe one of the kiddos used a sharp tone with you and you felt disrespected? Maybe it was the slapping of the cabinet door and you had a headache. Don’t delay this step. Working through it as it happens or shortly thereafter will only strengthen your ability to cope with future triggers.

2. Remove the negative energy source.

Please do not physically throw away kids. As tempting as this is, they’re reliant and will find their way back to you. I always found the best thing to prevent conflict was to remove the issue/items or things at the center of the conflict. Take my example earlier about the PRIME energy drinks- ok, so the kids are out of control off of 300mg of caffeine pumped into their tiny bodies at the rate of 1 future diabetic watermelon-favored drink at a time? Well, guess what? BYE BYE Drink! Yup, that shit is gone! Fighting over tablets? Allotted time slots are now in play. Don’t like watching your teen play Xbox all day- no game systems upstairs in the living room allowed. Fighting over who sits up front with Dad? No one does why? Because that’s my seat!

Removing smaller problematic issues adds up to great success down the road! Why attempt to negotiate with terrorists when you can just eliminate the point of contention?

3. Start the backup QB.

Default parent. A popular term is floating around parenting circles far and wide. But WTF does this mean? Psychology Today coins this term as a “syndrome” and relates it to being the “first in line, when it comes to caring for the children” I look at it through a prettier shade of pink, in the blended family world, we automatically place “moms” at the head of the newly created family, regardless of her experiences, mental well-being or physical tasks. After all, a mom is a mom, right? Well yes and no. Caring for someone else children is a great deal of stress- not only for you but for the kids as well. A lot of tension stems from this outdated family hierarchy system. It’s setting you up to fail. In today’s modern world, blended families are only working when each parent takes on the lion’s share of their own children’s upbringing. 9 out of 10 times, when there’s a conflict in my household, I can quickly trace it back to myself taking on too much of the stepchild’s upbringing and being met with defiance (naturally).

I fully expect their father to step up and step in when those parenting moments come to light- take our twice-a-week dinner visits. Prior to this realization, I would plan, prep, and cook those dinners for the whole family. So not only was the burden of cooking dinner solely on me but so was the feedback and criticism. After years of torturing myself, my husband and I finally decided that he would be responsible for dinner on those nights with his kids. This concept can be applied to bath times, bedtimes, homework, projects, sports, and much more. Make sure you’re being the supportive parent, not the default parent.

Trev's Favorite Family Meal-Feeds 6

4. Leave the House.

While on a family vacation in Florida, the hubs and I figured it was about time to ditch the kids for some adult action (Tacos). Day 4 of our 7-day trip came and it hit us like a bad hangover. Yelling, fighting over phone chargers, sunburn, and the dread of waking up to having only one bathroom for six people had my head spinning. I knew that a meltdown was coming- I felt it in my bones. The condo walls were closing in on me and even my own adult son was wearing thin on my nerves. So what did I do? I went into the bedroom, put on my red floral dress put some makeup on, and headed down to Rock the Guac. Within 10 minutes the hubs had a frozen pizza in the oven and we were walking out the door (Kid free) to grab street tacos in Cocoa Beach.

Using your resources to take time for yourself should be a priority, not a special treat.

Steak Tacos from Rock the Guac

A local sufer man (maybe about 40 took this picture) he loved our matching outfits

5. When all else fails, get physical.

Kids need to exert energy. Period. I don’t know of any happy endings from an 8-year-old watching an iPad all day and night and then expecting to give it up for a cozy bedtime story hour. Come on mama, start using these kids’ own bodies against them! When conflict settles in and there seems to be no solution that day- take it to the park. FORGET IT. Go play. Go for a walk, go throw the ball around, and let the kids have some space to run and ride their bikes without the judgment of the emotional toll of the past event(s).

You’ll be surprised at the level of humbleness upon returning home that brings comfort over your home for the remainder of the night.

These tips have helped me avoid some nasty side effects and aim at keeping the home a peaceful place while we all tread lightly through this blended family shit.